Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Dear Journal, About this Space I'm in.....

Lately i have had to be my own therapist... For more reasons than one but more than anything because i have been all over the place.. It's been going on for months, i can now trace it back to losing both my grandma's earlier this year and having to relocate to Mississippi... A couple of friends made random statements in conversation that sparked my "AHA" moment... That moment made me realize that i have been trying to run away from being "normal", if there is a such thing as normalcy.. I've been so caught up in hating where I am in this place in my life that i don't genuinely enjoy the moments. Though i know i need to learn how to be happy today in order to enjoy tomorrow, i don't...When I started graduate school this August the battle with myself began.. I always thought i wanted to be some sort of counselor but i never wanted to go to graduate school. When I'm sitting in class i am mentally not there. I doodle on my notebook, text on my phone and imagine myself doing everything but being there. However, I do make sure i do all the work, because i don't believe in wasting time or money. Yet, every second that goes by i want it to end ASAP! A friend asked me one day, "what are you running from?" I had zero clue. Then i started having a lot of issues with my car and i ended up on the side of the road in a very small town outside of the college campus. I sat there before i called anyone for help and as i was sitting a random young man approached my car. He was very helpful and even stayed until the family friend came with his tow truck. THAT day which was just two weeks ago, helped make sense of everything. The young man talked to me about his brother who was a counselor and it all hit me...I DON'T WANNA SPEND MY LIFE IN A OFFICE PLAYING WITH PEOPLES MINDS!!! You ever find yourself getting involved in things that you feel will make you feel significant? Like going back to school, when you really had no intentions of doing so. Or starting a business that you know you will not put any effort into... Well i have now joined the club... I've been having a lot of conversation with friends lately who have made discussions that they later realized they did in order to make themselves feel good about where they are in life. I made a discussion to go to graduate school. Yes, i was excited to see the excitement in everyone i knew. Only to realize their excitement was just as exiting as my excitement to not feel comfortable in my current circumstances. Does that make any sense??? If not trust me it will one day.. ((sighh))

Since I've come to realize where i am mentally not only do i feel a huge release, i have also made a decision to end school. This is hard for me because i hate starting something and ending it before it's done... BUT I won't be looking back and if i do, I'll stick with online courses! I know someone will talk me out of it, which is why i don't tell people my decisions until I've made them. But that will be what i plan to do!! I want to use the wasted time i spend in a class room doing busy work and get back to writing, painting and just being FREEE! ((Ugh))

After all of this I'm back to being genuinely happy and honest with myself  and what i want out of life... Some of us just want to inspire, encourage, live with no attachments, love and hope that GOD says "Job well done!"

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