Thursday, February 25, 2016

Formation: Time to stop running!

As I sip the last bit of my caramel and whip cream from my Starbucks caramel frappe and get myself together emotionally so I can began to write this post. I say a prayer just as my computer warms up. Nearly ten plus years ago I started this blog due to my passion for entertainment news. I posted faithfully everyday. I mean, two or three times a day. I began writing for other sites and the more I began to get noticed and get email invites to private celebrity events, I realized. This was not who I was. Well, the honesty was definitely me but deep down inside building a career tearing down people was not something I wanted to be known for. So I completely fell off. I walked away from awesome people like; Dr. Boyce Watkins, who invested so much in me as blogger and as a person. Though so much promise was lining up, I decided that blogging the way I was going about it would not make me happy in the long run. It was not a legacy I wanted to look back on because I know that I would not be proud.

When I walked away, I turned my attention back to my original plan, writing novels. I have been desiring to write books since middle school thanks to Maya Angelou and Richard Wright. I began working on my first novel and between relocating to Atlanta for undergrad. San Francisco a few years after graduating and now Mississippi since the end of 2010. I am on my second novel (due out this year) but my third publication. I have written and produced my first stage play titled, I AM SHE and I have became a mother to an awesome three year old. Though so much has taken place in between walking away from being an entertainment blogger to finally publishing my first book at 30 years old. I did it! Which brings me to my now. With my second novel due out later this year as I stated under my own publishing company (Nolden, Smith & Wright) I am so excited inside about the possibilities. Yet at the same time emotionally I am in an odd place. Actually, I have been in an odd place since 2015. I can not put my finger on it but I feel this strange emotional and spiritual shift. I have tried to pray it off but it has not worked! Honestly, I gave up fighting it and accepting that God is working on me and for me behind the scenes.

I love writing. I am not the greatest but who is when you can pay someone who is a great editor. But writing is one of my many God given gifts. It has allowed me to pull myself out of many things that I could have allowed to destroy me. (OMG here comes the tears!) I was blessed to be one of God's vessels that never allowed my circumstance to hold me back from goals or visions I had. This gift I know for a fact pulls together pieces of my purpose. You see over ten years ago as a freshman in undergrad at Clark Atlanta University (whoop whoop) God spoke to me and showed me my purpose. I will not say my purpose but a portion of the puzzle which is to help, educate and counsel women and teenage girls. When I tell you I have literally been running from this purpose because it is draining...(Out minding my own business and random women and men sometimes talking to me for confirmation and counsel about their circumstance. You don't know them from a can of paint but you are able to give them the exact words they need to hear) When I say running, I mean I HAVE BEEN on the run like a thief in the night!!! (Now I did began two Masters program in counseling but I quit them both. Literally to draining. So draining I need counseling.) With all that said, in 2015 I realized I could no longer run. And in 2016 my pastor confirmed the calling one Sunday after church as I went down to get prayer. Which was a clear as day light confirmation that I needed to get myself in Formation!! Since then I have been kind of mad at myself from running for so long for many reason. One because I believe I could have been in a more stable situation. But, whose to say that is really true? (I can not help wondering the what ifs.) Lately, daily. I have been asking God to make things clear and he has been literally laying gems of knowledge and giving me visions that literally have me in tears. He has also been pulling me away from things, environments and people that could be poison to my purpose. One thing I have accepted is that everyone can not go where God is leading me. I must be around people who are conducive to me living and walking in my purpose. I have been praying daily for God to renew my heart. I feel like these last few years I have allowed myself to become poisoned by using my tongue to speak against women, convicting and judging their sins and as someone who has a calling on her life to help heal and bring women to know God on a level past the surface. That is not who I am. It is not who I desire to be and it is not who God created me to be!

Therefore as I get in FORMATION and begin to run towards all the things I fear. I simply ask for patience. I want to put things into the universe that create and inspire others. I have also decided to began blogger yet again! (I Know!) But I really need it to free my thoughts and work at my writing.

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