Tuesday, October 04, 2016

I'm Just Not Sure Anymore

You know, I have been walking through this new journey of my life trying to figure everything out from my own understanding, when I should be trying to figure out from God's! I am in a new place, somewhat uncomfortable because for once I don't have a safety net within arms reach.  I am actually glad and I am loving this new journey. However, here I am, a single mom, who is starting over in a new city. I moved here for a job that I LOVE but honestly really doesn't work for the life I desire for me and my child long term, majority of the people I thought I was cool with I haven't spoken to since I moved. I can literally count on one hand how many people I talk to on a daily. And honestly, for me its not about how many people I have in my life. It's more about understanding why God moved me away from everything comfortable? It's not about he money when it comes to work, it's more about does it allow me the freedom to enjoy my hard work? It's about using my gift of discernment to understand and know the difference in what or who is supposed to be in this season of my life and what or who is not? And also are they here with the purpose of working together to get to where God has designed for us (friends and family) to be or are they here as distractions or with malice intentions?


Literally, right now while typing I am becoming extremely emotional because I have been holding a lot of thoughts and things inside. One, because I am a very honest person and sometimes my words don't come out the way I intended them too. Two, because a small piece of me is afraid. Honestly I have one friend I can talk to on the regular basis and express my true feelings and she gets it every time. I'm 34 and I am still that woman who stands in a room full of people who love her and I feel completely out of place. (I'm not depressed or suicidal) But have you ever loved something or someone hell, so much that you see all of the greatest it brings to your life. But because your mind and your heart are so filled with hurt from the past and ideals from the world that you tell yourself, "It's not enough." Not to mention the thought process that what it's offerings you, you can actually get more for your buck somewhere else?  This is me right now! I have several things in my life (People and a job) that I love with everything in me. But I feel like what I am getting from it all isn't much and I could find it in another job, new friends and so on, who in my mind I wouldn't have to beg to give me what I feel like I am owed. Not on some full of pride type Ish but on some I DESERVE IT and your SHOULD know it, type Ish.


Maybe you are like... What the hell are you talking about? if you have not figured out what I'm talking about? I'm talking about SECURITY!!! I just for once in my life want to be secure in something besides God and myself. I want to know that your word is your bond. I want to be secure in knowing that I am just as important in your life as you are in mine. I want to for once in my life be secure that the people in my life are willing to run the miles I am willing to fun for them. I want to for once in my life be able to depend on someone (outside of God and my mom) and not have to worry about their intentions or what I need to payback. For once in my life I want someone who is just as dedicated to me as I am to them. I want to for once in my life not have to work so hard to reach a goal that could have taken me less time if someone cared enough to just say (without me asking or begging), "Let me help you!" I just for once in my life want someone to step up without me knowing or asking or begging or implying. I JUST FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE WANT TO BE ABLE TO CONTINUE TO HAVE FAITH IN POEPLE!! Right now, I'm not sure anymore.


I'm just not sure anymore! That scares me. Not the ideal of being alone (I have no problem with that)  but the fear of not having people in my life that I can completely put my trust in. I just want more! Not just financial! I just want real genuine people in my life. Willing to stand with me against the enemy. Because right now, I'm tired of being the one everyone calls for prayer and motivation, depends on for security and loyalty. I'm just not sure anymore about anything but God! But what I am sure that he has me right where he wants me.



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