Tuesday, October 04, 2016
I'm Just Not Sure Anymore
Literally, right now while typing I am becoming extremely emotional because I have been holding a lot of thoughts and things inside. One, because I am a very honest person and sometimes my words don't come out the way I intended them too. Two, because a small piece of me is afraid. Honestly I have one friend I can talk to on the regular basis and express my true feelings and she gets it every time. I'm 34 and I am still that woman who stands in a room full of people who love her and I feel completely out of place. (I'm not depressed or suicidal) But have you ever loved something or someone hell, so much that you see all of the greatest it brings to your life. But because your mind and your heart are so filled with hurt from the past and ideals from the world that you tell yourself, "It's not enough." Not to mention the thought process that what it's offerings you, you can actually get more for your buck somewhere else? This is me right now! I have several things in my life (People and a job) that I love with everything in me. But I feel like what I am getting from it all isn't much and I could find it in another job, new friends and so on, who in my mind I wouldn't have to beg to give me what I feel like I am owed. Not on some full of pride type Ish but on some I DESERVE IT and your SHOULD know it, type Ish.
Maybe you are like... What the hell are you talking about? if you have not figured out what I'm talking about? I'm talking about SECURITY!!! I just for once in my life want to be secure in something besides God and myself. I want to know that your word is your bond. I want to be secure in knowing that I am just as important in your life as you are in mine. I want to for once in my life be secure that the people in my life are willing to run the miles I am willing to fun for them. I want to for once in my life be able to depend on someone (outside of God and my mom) and not have to worry about their intentions or what I need to payback. For once in my life I want someone who is just as dedicated to me as I am to them. I want to for once in my life not have to work so hard to reach a goal that could have taken me less time if someone cared enough to just say (without me asking or begging), "Let me help you!" I just for once in my life want someone to step up without me knowing or asking or begging or implying. I JUST FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE WANT TO BE ABLE TO CONTINUE TO HAVE FAITH IN POEPLE!! Right now, I'm not sure anymore.
I'm just not sure anymore! That scares me. Not the ideal of being alone (I have no problem with that) but the fear of not having people in my life that I can completely put my trust in. I just want more! Not just financial! I just want real genuine people in my life. Willing to stand with me against the enemy. Because right now, I'm tired of being the one everyone calls for prayer and motivation, depends on for security and loyalty. I'm just not sure anymore about anything but God! But what I am sure that he has me right where he wants me.