Friday, December 30, 2016

Do I Really Have to Choose?


I've always been more goal oriented than being the relationship building type of woman. As far as men go I've always felt like I needed to have certain things accomplished before I started trying to fall madly in love with someone. Sounds silly but honestly, I've realized its hard for someone like myself to have everything I want at one time. Personally, I work hard, play hard and love even harder. Therefore for me it gets really weird after while. It could also be the guys I've dated but I swear being a woman with ambitions is very hard to balance at times.

I understand the feeling of wanting to be needed and the desire to feel so many voids or urges, Love sometimes can feel so amazing and other times the complete opposite. But I am one of those people who believe it's always worth the fight. Focusing on my career desires and my desire for love can sometimes become so comfortable yet uncomfortable that it leaves me or my partner feeling neglected. A lot of it has to do with the things we value individually. I'm a very creative person and I valued that a lot because it gives me this sense of freedom. But sometimes get into a zone where I disconnect to focus. But as time goes on and feelings get deeper I can no longer focus on my own personal growth. Or the things i am trying it set up for myself and my daughter. It's easy to go into  a meeting with someone about business because my feelings are so far out of the conversation and outcome of that meeting that its easy as pie to leave my feelings out of it. At least for me. I handle business like men and a few times I've handled relationships like them too. I usually blame the tom boy in me.

I feel like the battle of maintaining a healthy relationship; where i can be both best friends and madly in love with a guy and have the career at the same time is a huge compromise. Sometimes I tell myself it's worth it but then there are other times where i am like noooooo noooo... I love being loved and I love loving on others. I truly value my relationships with people more than anything money could buy yet i keep attracting guys who value what money could buy. I'm a very minimal girl, natural, Like nice things but can do without them and i enjoy a laid back and peaceful life.  

I'm newly single and I hate the term of being an independent single woman. I'm independent and dependent at the same time. I may appear strong when it comes to handling business but i have no problem being submissive (to an extent) in a relationship. Because I'm not a huge fan of gender based relationships. I believe the man is the head and the leader but i also believe there are times for each person in the family dynamics to step up and lead. 

So as I embrace this new year coming, new grace and mercies and finding a new way to balance the things I desire I hope It all leads to happiness and love in all areas of life. 

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