Friday, January 06, 2017

I Once Was Lost, Now I'm Found!

Six days into January and I feel a great sense excitement. I know you're thinking, "calm down." But have you ever been at a stage in life where you can see some of the things you have desired falling into a place of balance and completion? I mean literally chapters ended and new ones to write. Does it take you back to those nights, hours and days you spent on your knees slinging snot begging for God to answer your prayers? Aren't you glad you didn't skip the process? Do you remember losing yourself and asking God why me? My God! All i ask now is why not me?


...Just last year I was working in a customer service job that didn't value me or my damn time. A Master's degree, two published books, a two time sold out stage play, workshops and i done it all as a not so single mother (I have a lot to help from family and friends so I don't really consider myself a single mom.)  making less than 10/hr and receiving food stamps. Frustrated, broken, angry at God and unhappy. I would get to work early so that I could sit in my car before I went into work to pray. Which majority of the time lead to me sobbing. I would walk into work in enough time to clock in before being considered late. When I went to lunch, whenever I took my 15 minute break, when I clocked out to head home sometimes even while working I walked around teary eyed frustrated feeling like I had no way out. Every night, I cried, on my hands and knees, face to the floor snot, slob and more once I put Autumn to bed. I didn't want my toddler to see me crying. She didn't need to know that mommy's sacrifices were getting the best of her. I was praying asking God to remove me from my circumstance. I wanted to quit the process. I was trying to bargain my worth with him as if he didn't already know it. As if he hadn't already designed my course. As if he hadn't showed me who i was in his eyes. During those three years (more like the last two) I couldn't see how the things I had been praying for or desired would even come to reality.  

On top of being unhappy with my job. I realized all the things I had been to some people and yet I haven't been to myself. Nor had those people been to me who i was to them. I was too considerate, too understanding and too willing to comprise for people who only kept me around to fill space or to complete an image. I realized for some people I was just a ticket. I had to emotionally internalized that even though I saw myself as having nothing. There were some people around me who could see my successes of finishing what I start and then turned it into a competition, or a  selfish hope to ride the wave. When i say trying to emotionally internalize and accept that maybe my role in all my pass relationships were simply to be a life coach, spiritual leader, or some... I still don't know, because here I am coming into another year single knowing for sure my ex of a few weeks ago; like the rest of them will move on and prosper in life and with someone else thanks to my constant encouragement, love and support. Ya'll don't understand how being naturally very self-aware can eat a person alive because for me i always have this need to do to be better, than i was. I am very critical of myself. Nothing i did, in my eyes was ever enough. I have always known how to congratulate everyone else on their successes but i didn't know how to congratulate my own. I mean, is that really possible? Can you truly be happy for their successes if you can't be for your own?


2016, for me was a great year for me despite the turmoil i was dealing with inside. I made a personal decision to not share it with anyone. I spent most of the year fasting from people, things and so on...One because i took it to the alter and left it there for God to work out. But also because I didn't want anyone (Especially those who would love to see me give up.) to think I wasn't striving. Because I was! I mean I cant begin to explain to you the things I was attempting to make happen that i didn't get one response from. Not even a damn, "Thanks but no thanks." I laugh now because I couldn't see how all those little pieces would work together for my good. I used to always say," The life you live is the life you create." I never really just digested it. Until 2016... You see, life is a process and missing any step would resort in not being prepared when God does send you your break through. I had to turn that thang around and start speaking to it. Here, I was forcing myself to be happy with where i am in life. I started talking to God while on my job, encouraging myself and others while. Here, I was staying late to help complete work, coming in on my days off but when I needed to request some time off just for me, it was a huge issue. Here, I was sacrificing in a situation that I could've just giving up in. Here i was telling myself that i work to hard for man to deny me of anything that God had already promised me. I refused! (I don't give up easy Ever!) Even in all of the internalizing I did throughout 2016, I learned to take pride and be proud of some of the awesome things about myself. If I don't know how to do anything else, I know how to be fearless as hell. It's something i got from my mom but regardless i'm going to always find a way or make one to get to what i want. I know how to sacrifice and be obedient to my inner voice. As long as it doesn't disrupt the things and people I value or my integrity i will give whatever i need to give up in order to make things happen. I'll work three jobs to stack money if i need to. I am very, very obedient to the voice inside of me, which i contribute to my relationship with God. Trust me when i tell you he rewards obedience!!! I know how to keep weathering the storm and come out on the other side. MY GOD! When i say the race is not given to the swift, it's given to the one who finishes! I've learned the importance of finding optimism in any circumstance and speak to it as though it is done. Do you know the mind control it takes to speak life into something your human mind wants to count out as dead? Hard as hell but listen when i tell you do it! The universe has no choice but to answer! The thing most important to me that i had to internalize last year was committing to is myself. Being proud of myself, congratulating myself, forgiving myself, giving myself a break... Hey! (I got a shout in my spirit from that!)



I am coming into 2017 like a light form of wind that feels so good and the new life that God has created for me in Nashville has been filled with so many suddenly's (I'll have to do a post to tell about the transition) couldn't nobody but God!   

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is good!